I was reading a little article on my news feed about how this girl used to cut herself as her way of dealing with depression. Her therapist suggested that instead of harming herself that she draw on herself. Essentially making something beautiful out of something not so. I was thinking about that when I was having one of my fits and I realized why I make so many sfx. It's my way of dealing with my depression without actually harming myself. I'm satisfied with making these gory props to keep me from doing the same thing.
Anyway, I'm not in a very good place. The depression has crept back and taken over a chunk of my life. I spent so long trying to prevent it from coming back that I've exhausted myself. I hope that I don't reach a point where I can't turn around. It was hard enough the first time.
If I explain it to my gf, all she would say is to get a doctor and go on pills. It fucking hurts knowing that she thinks I'm being stupid. Her depression and my depression are different.
Hers is more relating to someone telling her off/scolding her and sits on it. Pretty much telling herself how much she sucks.
Mine is more of a no cause (most of the time), anger inducing, self harm, fucking curl up under the blankets, and lock myself in a room waiting to die.
Anger is usually the first emotion before the fits. Whenever I'm overly rigid, there's a high likelyhood I'm depressed. Defense mechanism. I don't like dragging people into my emotions let alone allowing them to see my emotional side. I'd rather be alone and deal with it myself.